Beauty Hurts

My twin sister got married last weekend. What was it like? I wish you could have seen her: all the curly-haired playfulness of the toddler I toppled out of wagons with; all the early morning brown-eyed wonder of the young girl I thought I could protect from all worldliness; all the full body of a woman grown beyond me in love and wisdom; all the pristine white glory of a bride in her Bridegroom's cathedral.

The glorious affair was so rich, exhausting, beautiful, shocking, altering, that I don't have many more words for it apart from hours upon hours of stories that will be slowly unwound at family get-togethers for the rest of our lives. And everything else about it is hidden in my heart because it has washed over me and surpassed me. I can't talk about how it feels to see your beloved sister walk down the aisle.

She's beautiful.

Providing Food for the Family, or How to Grill Burgers

So, since I'm a grown-up out of college now, a big part of my life is figuring out exactly how to BE a grown-up. What better way to document the learning process than blog it, right?? SO, here is the first installment of "How to Be Good at Being Grown Up." This episode of "Providing Food for the Family" involves: "How to Grill Hamburgers." Enjoy my wisdom gleaned from my first experience grilling. Your very own How-To Kit.

Step 1 – Cut up any vegetables you want on the burgers: onions, tomatoes, peppers, etc. Prepare all that extra stuff so that when the patties are done, you can eat them right off the grill. Otherwise your patties will be cold when you eat them and you'll hate yourself.

Step 2 – Empty the grill. Take the rack off and dump the old coals and ashes out. Feel free to scatter them joyously across the back of the yard and imagine volcanoes as the ash engulfs your face.

Step 3 – Fill the grill with new coals. In my case, you may discover that you don’t even have enough coals left in the bag to fill the bottom of the grill. In which case you should call your dad and ask him where the new bag of coals is. When he tells you there isn’t one, you will then proceed to collect all of the used coals that are now scattered across the back of your lawn and pile them back into the grill. This may take some time.

Step 4 - Pile coals into a mountain. Make sure there’s one layer across the whole bottom and then the rest form a pyramid. If you are a perfectionist, this may also take some time.

Step 5 – Soak the bujeezus out of the coals with lighter fluid.

Step 6 – Set them on fire. The coals will ignite quickly and you will want to make sure your face is well out of the way.

 Step 7 – While the coals are getting nicely hot and whitened on the edges, go inside to prepare the meat. Break the ground beef up in a platter and pour the marinade all over it. Work the marinade in with your hands. You want the meat to be a nice brownish color when you’re done. I use Dale’s seasoning and it’s magical, I swear. Also good and easily available: onions, garlic, salt and pepper.

(Note: If you happen to have forgotten to remove the meat from the fridge in advance of Step 1, it may be cold enough to numb your entire arm while you rub the seasoning in. In this case, my best advice is to suck it up and be the man or woman that you are. You’re grilling here, not watering daisies.)

Step 8 - Roll the meat into tennis-ball-sized balls and flatten them into patties. Layer them on a second platter.

(Note: Your mom may tell you to roll the meat into golf-ball-sized balls. What she means is tennis ball. That golf-ball-sized patty will – trust me – shrink into an oblivion of grease and ashes.)

Step 9 – Go back outside with your platter of patties. Spread the coals out with your grill tongs, flat enough to fit the rack back on top. At this point, it’s probably a good idea to scrape and brush the rack so all the nasty goop on it gets incinerated into relative sanitation. (All the goop, that is, that ISN'T on your hands and arms and possibly your face.)

Step 10 – Place patties on rack. Give them about five minutes to a side. (IE – Five minutes on one side, then flip. Five minutes on the other side, then done).

Step 11 – Serve on buns with whatever toppings you please.

Insider tips for maximum effect:

-Play “Pet Sounds” while grilling.

-If you are a girl, which I am, wear a pretty apron. It will make you feel 1950s - but not subordinated, because you’re grilling.

-If the beef cows in your backyard come up to the fence during grilling, DO NOT LOOK INTO THEIR EYES.